Fool for Love, or Doormat?

by Betsy Sansby, MS, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Dear Betsy,

My boyfriend and i met a year and a half year ago and i fell for him straight away. He was everything i find attractive in a guy. We got engaged after a month and i thought i had it all. One night we were arguing in his car and i asked him to take me home. Instead he turned into some woods. I tried getting out but he hit me 3 times over head then he stopped and pulled me out of the car and forced me into sex on his bonnet. This was a complete shock as he was never violent before. He dropped me home then rang me up crying. I believed he was sorry but couldnt stay with him after that.

A year later he was trying to win me back. I gave him a chance and he proved how much he loved me. We rented a house and after 2 days i caught him talking on the phone to a married woman. He denied everything and threw me out of the house. I asked why he left me for her and he really doesn’t know. He just said he felt safer with her cause she was not as attractive as me. This weekend he came to my brothers 3 times begging 4 me 2 take him back. He wants to prove this time that he wont hurt me again.

I know this sounds mad but i believe him but i cant take any more pain from him. If i wasnt so happy before these events i would let go, but no-one else makes me that happy at all and i see a really great husband underneath it all. Am i just a silly cow or what? Please tell me what u think.

Signed,
Fool for Love

My dear young friend,

Moo. Yes, I believe you are a “silly cow” for even thinking about taking this dreadful man back If you have any shred of self-respect left you will run like hell while there’s still hope for you. And you’ll find a good female therapist who can help you reclaim your dignity. No matter how charming this guy is when he’s trying to win you back, anyone looking at the facts will remind of what you already know! The man you think would make a “great husband” has already hit you, raped you, cheated on you, and lied to you over and over again.

Good gracious! What else must a person do before you say: ENOUGH!? I will leave you with these words: You will never ever change such a man. But if you stay with such a man he will change you. If you go back to him, your life will be utter hell.

Good luck. If you’re smart, you won’t need it.

Signed,
Betsy

Betsy Sansby is a licensed marriage & family therapist, and published author whose private practice is in Minnetonka, Minnesota. She is the coauthor of seven books, and the creator of ingenious communication tools for couples and families called, including: The STOP Strategy, The Art of Conversation, and The OuchKit: A First-Aid Kit for Your Relationship. She also has her own relationship advice column called, "Ask Betsy." To download free tools, submit a question to her column, or contact Betsy for an on-line consultation, go to: www.theouchkit.com . Or send mail to info@theouchkit.com

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Fool for Love, or Doormat?